Are Billionaire Tears Saltier Than Ordinary Tears?

Billionaires are a sensitive group, aren’t they? Howard Schultz, a man who is never going to be president, chafed at the label in an interview with CNBC. He would prefer to be called something else—a person of wealth, perhaps, or a person of means. La-di-da. If this sounds familiar, let me point you to 2018 Elon Musk. Musk, you may recall, got upset when the news media called him a billionaire. He said the label was used to “devalue and denigrate” people like him. Mind you, this was around the same time Musk was baselessly accusing an innocent man of being a pedophile. But back to Schultz.

Here’s the thing, if you’re worth a billion dollars or more, you are a billionaire. If you can’t handle being referred to with descriptive accuracy, you definitely should not run for public office. Because, Mr. Schultz, you will be called worse. An audience member at a book event has already called you an “egotistical billionaire asshole.” Isn’t it rich that the word that rankles most is ‘billionaire’?

Cry me a river, Howard Schultz.

You should understand that when people run for office, they are often called really hateful names by the media, by their opponents, and even by people in their own party. If you can’t handle being called a billionaire, how will you survive when someone calls you “nasty” or makes fun of your suits? How will you handle it when some media pundit says you should smile more? Will you be really upset when they call you shrill? How about when they insinuate you might have used sex to gain power? Or when they use offensive and racist language to question your ancestry? Are you up for all that? Because you seem pretty sensitive and I don’t know if you have what it takes to weather an American political campaign.

On the other hand, you’ll probably be fine. “Egotistical billionaire asshole” is probably as bad as it’ll get for you. You’re not a woman, after all.

Tiffany Quay Tyson
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Tiffany Quay Tyson