“As we gather together for Thanksgiving, you know, some people want to change the name Thanksgiving. ”President Trump, speaking at a rally in Florida
On Tuesday, the president of the United States of America assured a rally crowd he would stand firm in the face of a nonexistent campaign to rename Thanksgiving. He declared victory on the other imaginary holiday war—the war on Christmas—and I suppose he felt bereft to have no frivolous holiday-themed battles left to wage.
Look, I sympathize. It’s a rough year for Trump. He’s under investigation for conspiring to withhold aid from a foreign government in exchange for personal political favors. His attorney and BFF is a lunatic who keeps going on television to threaten that he has “insurance” to keep the president from turning on him. A half-dozen of his closest friends and coworkers have pled guilty or been convicted of crimes committed on his behalf. The only people squarely in his corner are Devin Nunes, Jim Jordan, Lindsey Graham, Mitch McConnell, and Vladimir Putin. And you get the feeling Putin’s support is iffy. I mean, that’s beyond depressing.
So I offer these suggestions for alternate Thanksgiving names. In doing so, I lend credence to the outlandish claim that there’s a push to rename Thanksgiving. I hope you-know-who is thankful.
Alternate Names for Thanksgiving Day
- Eat All the Pie Day
- Drink Enough to Tune Out Your Racist Uncle Day
- Really Inconvenient to be Gluten Intolerant Day
- Most Likely to Contract Salmonella Day
- Grown Men Argue About College Football Day
- Grossly Overload the Dishwasher Day
- Turn Off Those Damned Christmas Carols or I Will Strangle You Day
- Strict Adherence to Grandma’s Recipes or Someone Will Throw a Fit Day
- Mushy Vegetable Day
- It’s a Miracle No One Started a Fire Deep Frying that Turkey Day
- This Salad is Really Just for Show Day
- Please Don’t Talk Politics at the Table or You’ll Make Your Mama Cry Day
- Pick the Marshmallows Off the Sweet Potatoes Day
- Demand to Know Exactly What’s in This Casserole Day
- Go Ahead and Crack Open That Cream of Mushroom Soup That’s Been in the Pantry for a Decade Day
- Cranberry Cocktails are Too Sweet but We’re Drinking Them Anyway Day
- Impeachment Eve
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.