Trumpland Sounds Terrible

Trumpland Sounds Terrible

In Trumpland the following things don’t work: toilets, showers, sinks, dishwashers. Not that Trump’s ever used a dishwasher. Of course he hasn’t. But women tell him they’re a problem. Women tell him they have to press the button ten times to get the dishes done.

Who are these women? Why are they chatting with the president about common appliances? Honestly, if you met a president—any president—would you complain about your dishwasher? And why don’t the men ever push the button?

I feel bad for Trump and for all the people who are living this way. It sounds miserable. Maybe Santa or Krampus or Kitchenaid is playing a prank on Trump and his followers. It’s the only reasonable explanation, because I don’t know anyone else who experiences these issues. Everyone in my life is perfectly capable of flushing a toilet once and getting the job done. I just got out of the shower and I feel clean and fresh. And my dishwasher gets the dishes clean, even when my husband presses the button. It doesn’t go boom “like there’s an explosion,” but there is definitely steam. Mr. President, dishwashers that go boom are bad dishwashers!

So, in the spirit of the holiday season, I’d like to invite anyone living in the hellish dystopia Trump describes, to come on over to the side where toilets flush freely, showers shower, and dishwashers clean. It’s better out here in the real world. We do expect men to push buttons over here and also to load and unload the dishes, but it’s easy! I’ll teach you how. I know you can do it.

Happy holidays, y’all.

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Tiffany Quay Tyson

THE PAST IS NEVER is the winner of the Willie Morris Award for Southern Fiction, the Janet Heidinger Kafka Prize, the Mississippi Institute of Arts and Letters Award for Fiction, and the Mississippi Author Award for Adult Fiction (selected by the Mississippi Library Association). This southern gothic novel steeped in local lore was selected as an "Okra Pick" by the Southern Independent Booksellers Alliance. Tyson's debut novel THREE RIVERS was a finalist for both the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction and the Mississippi Institute of Arts and Letters Award for Fiction. She was born and raised in Jackson, Mississippi and now lives, writes, and teaches in Denver, Colorado.
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