You know that old theatre adage that says a bad dress rehearsal predicts a great opening night? No? Well, clearly you didn’t spend your college years slinking around the wings of your university theatre. I did, and let me tell you, the theatre (pronounced “the-ate-ah”) is a superstitious place. You aren’t supposed to whistle backstage or say the name of a particular Scottish play or wish anyone “good luck.” All of these things will doom your production to chaos and bankruptcy.
So, in the bright light of morning, I’ve decided to consider the Iowa caucuses a dress rehearsal. Caucus-goers were whistling and saying all the wrong phrases and trying to use apps when an abacus would do. It was embarrassing and chaotic. In the interest of retaining my sanity, I choose to view it as a good omen.
That terrible night in Iowa must (must) mean that the real elections—the big one in November and the state primaries on Super Tuesday—will go smoothly. We’ll get standing ovations. We’ll get record turnout. We’ll get candidates with experience and integrity. We’ll get unassailable results. We’ll elect someone with no history of sexual assault. Or fraud. Or failure to pay employees. Or shady connections with hostile foreign governments. Or multiple business failures. Or racist ideas. Or environmental ignorance.
Hey, maybe we’ll even elect someone who knows where Kansas City is! I know, I know, it’s a lot to hope for. But if a bad dress rehearsal means we’re going to have a good show, we’re due for a spectacular performance.
Surely the world is tired of a show where the star is a bloviating, deceitful, corrupt man in a bad suit and where the supporting players are a bunch of men (and a few women) who care so little about ethical integrity that they play with fidget spinners while democracy crumbles.
I guess we’ll find out soon enough, because Iowa is behind us and the show must go on.