To the Democratic Candidates Still Running for President,
Roses are red,
Lilies are white,
Don’t say anything awful about the others,
That can later be used against them (or you) in a sound bite.
To Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet, Deval Patrick, and Every Other Democratic Candidate Who Showed Up for Some of this Primary Season,
You did your best,
It wasn’t enough.
There’s always another election.
Politics is tough!
To Bill Barr,
We know where you stand,
We know who you serve,
Stop protesting for the cameras,
Your faux outrage is absurd.
To Roger Stone,
The courts say you’re a criminal,
You say you’re a dirty trickster,
The president may save you from prison,
But you’ll still be a dick, sir.
To Rush Limbaugh,
You’re a vile, awful man,
Who loves to rant and disparage.
Your wives keep divorcing you,
So of course you’re jealous of Mayor Pete’s happy, healthy marriage.
To Mother Nature,
We’re really sorry for our bad behavior.
Do you think you could scale back on the floods and the fires,
While we work to oust
All the climate deniers?
To the Bernie Bros,
We’ll “feel the Bern” if your guy wins the nom,
Because we’re not jerks.
So pledge to vote blue, no matter who.
Don’t be jerks!
To Elizabeth Warren,
I love you the best.
Don’t tell the others.