Look, it can be tough to decide who to vote for, especially when the candidates are so very similar. Sometimes you need a little help to make the right decision. Take this simple quiz and choose the answers that best describe you. Then, check the answer key to see how you should vote in the upcoming presidential election.
1. When you’re hungry, you:
a. Place a take-away order for the organic, gluten-free, vegan nacho plate from your neighborhood Mexican restaurant, being sure to tip extra because these are tough times for service workers.
b. Cook something.
c. Roll into a fast food joint and scream obscenities at the employee who asks you to wear a mask because this is America, dammit, and you deserve to eat a platter of tacos for a buck.
2. There’s a social justice protest downtown. You:
a. Put on a mask and your favorite Foo Fighters t-shirt, pack non-chemical sunscreen and hand sanitizer, and make a sign that shows support for the cause with an amusing Constitutional pun.
b. Make a donation to the cause and stay home because you sneezed this morning and crowds make you nervous.
c. Don head-to-toe camouflage, strap an AR-15 across your chest, and call your buddies to join you for a rip-roaring, kick-ass day of keeping the peace.
3. A pregnant woman is:
a. A human being.
b. Um, yeah, a human being.
c. Either a sacred vessel or a dirty, dirty whore depending on the age, race, marital status, or income level of the woman, who is probably wandering around in a state of hormonal confusion and therefore shouldn’t be allowed to make any serious decisions.
4. You and your spouse/partner/significant other are going to have a baby. You:
a. Order a cake from a local bakery that will either be pink or blue when you cut into it, but then reconsider because you know gender is not a binary construct and gender reveal parties are incredibly silly and so you change your order to chocolate cake and invite some friends to help you eat it, because cake is great and chocolate cake is amazing and that’s reason enough for a festive gathering.
b. Eat some cake to celebrate.
c. Chuck a Molotov cocktail laced with either pink or blue glitter into the nearby drought-parched woods. Then eat some cake.
5. When you crave a snack, you reach for:
a. A handful of ethically sourced, fair trade chocolate covered almonds.
b. That crushed pack of Nabs at the bottom of your purse.
c. Whatever you can grab from the nearest toddler.
6. A baby is:
a. A baby.
b. So cute!
c. A precious gift from God or an unholy burden on society depending on the age, race, marital status, and income level of the mother.
7. Drug addiction is:
a. A terrible disease that should be treated with compassion, proven therapeutic methods, and a mindful yoga practice.
b. Complicated, sad, and incredibly destructive for society and individuals.
c. A sign of weakness and criminality that ought to be punished with long prison terms or possibly death, except in the case of your second cousin who got hooked on oxy after a car crash and that can’t be his fault.
8. You are diagnosed with a highly contagious and potentially deadly disease. You:
a. Self-isolate to avoid transmitting the disease to anyone else, and update Twitter with a steady feed of cryptic poetry that might just be mangled Dave Grohl lyrics. #FooFeverDream
b. Stay in bed for two weeks and pray you don’t have to go to the hospital because you honestly cannot afford the bills.
c. Call the disease a gift from God, make some home movies, schedule a few parties, and post all-caps Twitter missives about how you’re a perfect physical specimen.
Mostly A and/or B: You should vote for Joe Biden. It’s okay if he doesn’t set your heart racing; not everything can be as thrilling as your sourdough starter. Biden and his running mate, Sen. Kamala Harris, most closely reflect your views and values and that’s good enough. Go vote. Now!
Mostly C: You should not vote. You have bigger work to do and you shouldn’t trouble yourself with trifling chores like filling out ballots or going to the polls. Don’t worry, the rest of us have got this covered.