Pep Talk: Please Reflect the Upbeat Attitude of the Team

“I was trying to reflect the upbeat attitude of the team.”

—Navy Cmdr. Dr. Sean Conley on why he misled reporters about Trump’s supplemental oxygen usage.

Our team’s attitude is U-P-B-E-A-T! Go team!

Look, I know things look grim. We’re metaphorically and maybe actually coughing up a lung. It’s cool though, because we have an upbeat attitude. We’re heading into the final stretch on tired legs and against long odds, but we’re doing it with a smile and everyone can see our smile because we damn sure aren’t going to put on a mask. If we just pretend everything is fine, it will be. Cockeyed optimism is a tried-and-true method of winning. It is not a sign of gullibility, magical thinking, or utter horseshit, as some people claim. Those people are definitely not part of this team, by the way.

This team thrives on a healthy attitude. We don’t care about physical health. Physical health is for suckers and losers. Bleh! Who wants to do things like eat vegetables or exercise or wear condoms or wear masks or avoid big social gatherings? How is that even living? We are the dreamers, the risk-takers, the bold! We expose our faces fully to the sun and to whatever dangerous aerosols might be lingering in the air around us. Hand washing is for suckers! Bleach is meant to be ingested neat with no chaser, and not swabbed over doorknobs and countertops. Doorknob-swabbing is an early sign of weakness. Root it out in your children or be prepared for anarchy in your own homes.

We know that our attitude will determine our altitude, and we are prepared to get so high. Not with drugs, of course. Drugs are evil. Just say no to drugs, except for the ones prescribed by a doctor or given to you as a super special favor by Big Pharma. Obviously, if you’re the first-born son of a high-ranking public official, you may take a little bump of something to get you through a big speech or inane video message, but only if you’re on our team. The other team is absolutely forbidden to use drugs of any kind. And we reserve the right to mock anyone on the other team if we learn that they’ve dabbled in drug use or if their children have ever taken drugs and maybe needed a little help to stop. That’s our right. It’s our peppy prerogative.

It should go without saying that it is 100 percent evil to denigrate someone while he is suffering from an illness that may or may not even be a big deal. But it is totally cool to mock the other team for any reason at all. Like if they catch pneumonia or suffer from Parkinson’s Disease or have a chronic condition that makes it hard to move their arms. These things are totally fair game. Also, it’s fine for our team to call women crazy and nasty and to say we couldn’t have raped them because they obviously aren’t our type.

This is why when someone on our team caught something that is probably nothing at all, the other team wisely pulled down negative advertising. It would be wrong for them to say negative things about a person while that person is lying in a hospital being treated for something that is just a flu. This is also why our team continues to run as many negative ads as possible and also cram through a judicial appointment despite accusations of hypocrisy and a double standard. We aren’t hypocrites; we just believe that that it’s okay for us to say one thing while doing something completely different. And there’s not a double standard, just different rules for different teams. You’ll find more about this in our official playbook under the section titled “Alternative Facts.”

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and upbeat attitude during this positively wonderful time for our nation! Go team!

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