Avoid These Positions, Ladies

Harvey Weinstein’s defense lawyer Donna Rotunno said in an interview with a New York Times reporter that she’s never been sexually assaulted because she’s never put herself “in that position.” It got me thinking about all the women who put themselves in a position to be assaulted and how careless those women are. I mean, if Rotunno can avoid assault simply by avoiding a few positions, surely the rest of us can too. To that end, I’ve compiled a list of positions we should all avoid from here on out.

Donna Rotunno. She’s always in the right position.
  1. Avoid meeting with men in hotel rooms. I mean, duh, right? Even if you work in an industry where hotel meetings are the way people get jobs or make deals, you should know better. Jobs and deals are for men.
  2. Avoid meeting with men in hotel rooms, even when other women are present. Do you think your friends are going to protect you? Do you believe there is safety in numbers? Wow, you are really naive!
  3. Best to avoid hotel rooms altogether, even if you’re renting one to get some sleep. Women in hotel rooms are just asking for it.
  4. Do not, under any circumstance, go into the dressing room at any major department store. A real lady knows her size and never needs to try on clothing.
  5. Never, ever use a public restroom. Hold it or put it up for grabs, as Rotunno might say.
  6. Certainly do not get too comfortable in your own apartment. That door is there for a reason. You should never open it, even if a person you know is knocking at the door. If you do, whatever happens next is all your fault.
  7. Only a fool walks through a park after dark. Your mother warned you about this one if she was any sort of mother at all.
  8. Also, though, you can’t be strolling through parks during the day. Really, best to stay out of parks altogether.
  9. Don’t ever go running on a running trail. Everyone knows running trails aren’t safe for women!
  10. And don’t get me started on public transportation. Subways, taxicabs, ride-sharing apps, and buses are for whores.
  11. Every lady knows hanging out at comedy shows is just an invitation to rape, but some of you may not be aware that Christian comedians are just as dangerous as their foul-mouthed secular brethren. God does not have a sense of humor, ladies, and neither should you.
  12. Some of you may believe that you need to go to work to pay bills, feed your children, and experience a sense of fulfillment, but every time you go to work you put yourself in a position to be assaulted. Look at this foolish woman who was just doing her job when she got her ass slapped by some jerk in a foot race. If she hadn’t been standing there, it wouldn’t have happened. Women who work are a huge part of the problem.
  13. And remember to stay off the pew. Churches are notorious hotbeds of sexual assault. The sanctuaries and Sunday schools of America are hunting grounds for sexual predators. Anyone who is interested in avoiding sexual assault will stay well away from that sacramental wine.

So let’s all take a lesson from Donna Rotunno, the fine upstanding citizen who is defending Harvey Weinstein, and stop putting ourselves in dangerous positions. Let’s avoid standing, sitting, running, walking. lying down, or kneeling in private or in public or with a small group of acquaintances and I’m sure we’ll all be completely safe.

I feel better already.

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